Eaaaarugh

I offended a Californian recently. I've met him twice max at work. He waltzes into the office, walks straight up behind me and tries to give me a neck massage. Needless to say in true Scottish lilting tones I went. 'Aarrgh wituryedaen? Personal space man personal space'. He looked like I'd vomited on him (probably sounds the same to be fair). Hysterically everyone in the room looked stunned, turned to him and went - 'don't you know she's British?' So I felt less weird somehow. Being Californian he just shrugged and walked off. I feel a tad bad. (But only a tad).

He's since called me both uptight and old. I've called him a half arsehole half hippy.

I think I've made a new friend.

activist - moi?

I got enlisted to help organise a protest/rally/gathering thing here for 'step it up'. Basically a movement to try to get America to agree to reduce carbon emissions. All part of the new Al Gore inspired global warming action. Most people here hadn't even heard of Kyoto till recently.( And I think Al Gore may be the anti-christ -I saw the omen III - but thats another entry) Anyhoo, one glass of wine too many at a party (some things in life ARE predictable). And I set myself up as campaign manager. Well how hard can it be? I reckon 20 of us with kids. My family is bigger than that! Of course, being a smartass I go into full on PR mode. So now our figurehead has been on front page of both local papers and their websites, interviewed by a radio station and raised as a champion by every green group in the district. (not me I have visa renewals to worry about you know - no matter how worthy and respectable the cause and event I'm laying low). So we're totally kacking it now that we're gonna have 300 people joining us for a picnic on the beach. We've even managed to rope in a photographer and a pilot to fly overhead and take arial shots (not very green of us but we'll smudge over that one!!!) So today we rented a megaphone, (what joy that is with 2 kids at bedtime. I'm keeping it! ) and when I'm done here I'll be writing a 'thanks for coming speech, printing 40 tshirts and praying it doesnt rain. Obviously the only day in the next 3 week window with rain forecast is this Saturday. Just like Scotland really. But never mind, if its only 20 of us we can still have a picnic and we'll have 2 tshirts each to keep us warm. Might even spot some whales. www.stepitup2007.org for those of you interested. Photos should be on the site by Sunday.

the art of communication

It's spring here, nearly time to get my legs out again, so I ventured out in a skirt this week. Still in my suede boots though (got my moneys worth out of those!). So I'm wearing my kinda shiny skirt (too fat for a really shiny skirt). I leave work and HAVE to quickly phone my mate in response to a message she left. I'm in the car by now and can't find my handsfree kit. No problemo, no law of safe driving here in California so I dial away. I am somewhat safety conscious though, so while she's in full flow of a tale, I put the phone on speaker and sit it on my lap so I can have both hands on the wheel. She gets really into her story, we're laughing away, I turn left onto the freeway - and the phone shoots off my shiny skirt and lands on the floor in the back of the car. By now I'm doing 70 and there's no way I can reach it. However, the speaker is on the back of the phone so I can hear her clear as a bell. So I just let her go on. Eventually, after about 10 minutes (no exageration) she realises she cant hear me, so the typical 'helloooho?' 'are you still there?' I can't hear you! will I hang up? sequence begins to come from the speaker. Unfortunately the microphone is on the front of the phone and face down on the floor of the car. So I'm shouting, top of my voice at the phone and laughing like an idiot, with no audience. Eventually she hangs up. 15 minutes later, when I get to my first red light I get to retrieve the phone. I look up and the entire family in the SUV next to me are staring like I'm some kinda unexploded bomb. Guess I did have an audience for my shrieking and laughing and grabing at the at the (empty) backseat of the car then! oops.

yeeehaaa

Went to Santa Fe last week for spring break (Easter hols). We had a fab time; art and sculpture everywhere - some good some bad; scenery from a John Wayne movie around every corner; and people watching to DIE for.

If you had told me two weeks ago that Americans really do wear cowboy boots, stetsons and cherokee blanket coats I'd have laughed in your face. First day in Santa Fe, there they were, we thought 'oh how fun, the people in the shops all wear cowboy boots and stetsons (thats mainly what the shops sell in Santa Fe - hats, boots, turquoise jewellery, chillis and very expensive art). Day two we're going - ' oh the tourists are all wearing them too'. Day three - ' did we arrive during a line-dancing festival?' Nope-EVERYBODY wears them. For real. It's very bizarre, sitting in nice restaurants, surrounded by men in big cowboy hats - all poker faced and serious. The women are all doing the Dolly P thang too. If they're not in coyote ugly outfits they're doing the Texas Rose thang. It really is hysterical. Of course children LAPPED it up.

Twinkle got me to purchase a hand knitted, multi color skirt from an Indian crafts store for her. This she paired with her new white stetson, her cowboy boots she'd brought for riding in and a sparkly T-shirt. Thought she was the bees knees for days. (I later discovered a made in Taiwain label in the skirt but I cut it out before she saw it).

Son is SO extatic with his new non-pc gun and holster/sherrifs hat combo. This coupled with his Scottish complexion and first missing tooth is lining him up as a strong candidate for the new milky bar kid.

Was hot and sunny all week then snowed the day we left. I was glad it was the day we were leavingas we had only one fleece between us. My new silver Jesus sandals didnt offer up much protection under those conditions.

Stuff we did- visit to Indian Pueblos. Fun (especially when a local lady complimented Twinkle's new skirt!). Visit to cave dwellings with lots of very high ladder action for kids to freak out husband with. (Some very unattractive shots of my rear end taken on that day). Madrid, an old mining town full of hippies, tumbleweed and bikers and the sound of banjos carried in the wind. Its where they filmed Wild Hogs (apparently) haven't seen that one yet, I suspect I should. Dinner at the 'Cowgirl Hall of Fame'. Baked potato pudding a big hit. Basically a very realistic looking ice-cream, cream, pistacio, chocolate powder concotion. Who thinks of that then? Was someone sitting around one night going 'hmmm, now how can I make this ice cream appear more potato-like in appearance?' yummy though. (hence the big arse shots on the ladder visits I suppose). Horse riding in the canyon. Trip to the Rio Grande gorge (you've got to really). Pretended to be rich enough to buy some art in Taos (close escape there I had my wallet out at one point). At husbands insistence a visit to Los Alamos where the nuclear bomb was invented. A very very very wierd place is Los Alamos. Very Twin Peaks atmosphere. A visit to the nuclear bomb museum was forced upon us. Not a cheery family outing choice. And dull enough to have dad officially banned from all future destination decisions. I've got to humor him sometimes though, you know how it is.

Husband insisted on eating every endagered species he could, just to annoy Twinkle. So buffalo, ostrich and elk all got devoured with great gusto. This combined with a side of chillis with everything just made his week.

Casinos everywhere in the middle of nowhere - if that makes sense. Theres some weird Indian reservation exemption from gambling/us laws so literally 20 miles from anything a huge building appears. Very Jimmy Nail.

Skint

Went to ANOTHER school fundraiser, auction thing at the weekend. Bought another week in Hawaii (aloha), a month of karate lessons (hi-yaaa) and a telescope bigger than me (nano-nano). Beach party theme. Margherita slushies. Nuff said.

At the same party I heard, a discussion on the PTA. 'That's such and such - she's the tall one.' In the noisy background (margherita slushies) I misheard this as '...she's the lead blonde.' My ears pricked up thinking I'd stumbled into the truth of the PTA political scene - I thought I'd heard the California version of 'she's the Alpha-female' Oh how they all laughed when I checked if I'd heard correctly - they didn't find it at all offensive despite all 3 of my companions being card carrying PTA California blondes. (thank god for margherita slushies).

On one of my lunchtime wanders last week I heard the following conversation from two women behind me. Word for word. ' I saw Jake Gillenhall. I was like, oh my god you're Jake Gillenhall - you're really short. I didn't say that though I just thought it' (earwigging faded out at this point till they caught up with me again at the lights) 'yeah I read this survey, and apparently the size of your head on a scale of the height of your body is an indication of how famous you'll be. Apparently its pretty acurate..." The lights changed. I didn't hear how famous Jake Gillenhall is going to be. Sorry.

I've also noticed that I keep hearing all these little expressions and sayings, which need to be translated, but then I forget them (age). So I've started a list on this page. I'm hoping to gather enough for a British - American dictionary. I must remember a section on how to shop for a duvet - what a confusing experience that is without a translator. But it's a boring story, so I'll spare you that for now.

weeii thing

I had a go on a Nintendo Weii thingy at work yesterday. (Shows how old I am that I dont even know what its called.) But it's MAD.You hold a wireless remote control, make all the arm movements of a real sport ( I use the term sport loosely) and the the person on the telly does what you do. In 20 minutes I had a game of bowls (2 strikes, 1 spare, no beer though). A round or tennis (less said on that the better) and a home-run baseball session. (it's a stupid game anyway). I'm told some guy lost 20lbs in 2 months playing it - I take it he was pretty inactive before. But I did manage a little glow during the baseball despite hitting only one ball - although that was perhaps my blood pressure. God, I sound like an old git. 'oooh the things they can do these days - look its a wireless remote control thingy and it keeps my bones moving;.

But anyway it's so much fun I unintentionally revealed my addictive personality, so now they know all my weak points. So I'll have to find ANOTHER new job. Aw maan.

I've just realised that I've posted twice in one day. Both mention weight loss and addiction. Note to self. Stop watching Desperate Housewives.

are you trying to sell me THAT?

Here's the thing. 'People' magazine is running an ad which shows an old front page from the UK tabloid newspaper - the Daily Mail. Its a typically brain-strain Daily Mail story showing Brittany Spears spilling her handbag contents at Heathrow and picking up what looks like a well-known brand of slimming pills. I've no idea of how old the article is, but Brittany is capable of picking up her own handbag contents- so it's not recent. ANYHOO the ad has been placed by the slimming pills people. Basically they show the front page. Then underneath have an 8 line disclaimer along the lines of ' we by no way suggest Ms Spears endorses or uses or product, etc etc blah blah blah'. But they are using the revelation-scandal-piece (who doubtless get paid for its use) to let us know that supposedly Britanny uses it. This presumably sets the aspiration for a bod like Brits by her association with the drug.

Bizzarely I'm partially impressed at their resourcefulnes in cashing in on the situation. (its my job, I have an evil marketing node in my brain).

BUT here's the reality of the situation.
Britanny uses that slimming pill. We keep being warned there are side effects to these pills - mood swings, depression, who knows.
Britanny uses that slimming pill. Look at Britanny now, wi her eejit husband, velour trackies, shaved head and social workers hovering around her kids, warrants at the ready.
Britanny uses that slimming pill - Hmmm.... and the aspirational appeal is? - anyone??