Professional Opinions

The saga of the nose lump continues and it's made me even more sceptical about the medical profession.

You may recall. I've grown a lump behind my nose. So I went to the Doctor (eventually).
Doctor poked around and said 'oh yes, you definately have a lump behind your nose. That'll be $40 please.CHAH-CHING! And I'll refer you for a CT scan.

I went for the CT scan, they did bone scans, injected me with an-instant-hot-flush-and-oh-my-god-did-I-just-pee? substance, did tissue scans. And said oh yes, you definately have some tissue lump behind your nose. That'll be so much money please that we'll just claim your insurance co direct. CHAH-CHING! CHAH-CHING!You have to see an ENTspecialist.

So today I see the ENT specialist. Who poked around a bit, and said nothing until I told him what to say. 'I had a CT scan you know" Really? I'll go get it. 'I think its a cyst because it swells up and recedes at random intervals", 'Really? That suggests it's a cyst'. Then (looking at the scan results) oh yes, you definately have a lump there. 'I wondered if it's actually root canal or something because I have no other symptons' Hmm, we'll send you for dental x-rays before we do anything just in case its a root canal. That'll be $120 please.CHAH-CHING! CHAH-CHING!CHAH-CHING!

Now God bless America and all that, but 3 specialists and 2 months to be told I definately have a lump behind my nose? Pahleeeeese! I knew that already.

But I did get novacaine aerosole sprayed up my nose, which was kinda cool in a futuristic, druggy sort of way.

I made two very quotable statements this week.
1) 'working so damn hard you'd think I'd be either skinny or rich by now' (I'm neither, in case your wondering).
2) can you design me something which isn't actually anything but seems like it is something (I've already commisioned the t-shirt for that one)


I've discovered this week that I only actually need 3 hours sleep a night. That I can work a 16 hour shift, sleep for 3 hours and still function perfectly well. I dont recall what happened to the other five hours though... Should I be worried? Have I left them somewhere? Nope, I definately only need 3 hours sleep. Of course I look like I'm 84 years old and dress out of a dustbin somewhere. But still 3 hours thats fairly impressive. Margaret Thatcher needed 4 hours apparently and look at all the great stuff she achieved (!) Come to think of it I'm I'm starting to look a little like her. Also I'm starting to ramble. Think I need to get some sleep.

customer service ??

I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that banks can take MY money in a blink if they think they deserve it - but I can't get them to release my own money to me.

I just ripped into a nippy staff person in my 'local' Scottish bank branch.

Not just for telling me she could pay a cheque from my account to someone else's account in another country but not from my account to my own in London because it isn't linked! - Can't verify the signature without linking them apparently.

My landlords name is Mr Djabbari - my money - lots of it, goes into his account in San Jose, no problem. Can they pay to an account called M Murray - with a signed cheque from M Murray in their hands? Apparently No. Can't do anything without a signed letter by post. No fax, no email, nowt.

She failed to understand my frustration, telling me, I 'need to understand our security procedures' - alas it was her downfall!

And dont tell me she's just doin her job, If she was doing her job I wouldnt need to phone, 4 times at 2 am in the bleedin morning.!

I lost the plot slightly and became almost tearful when after 10 minutes on the phone she said (and I quote) 'a us dollar account? is that American dollars then?'

I thought you needed O'levels to work in a bank.

Nose update

Still got a huge lump.
Antibiotics not working.
Getting very sore now.
Constantly compelled to say 'I am not an animal - I am a human being!!!'

Time zones

How can one country have 3 time-zones?
What's that all about? It's all about everyone working 14 hours a day, that's what it's all about.
Classic American finish to every phone call - 'is that End of Day my time, or your time?'
Sheesh.

Bummer

So this morning I tootle out to my wee bug, only to find the window smashed in and my new satelite radio gone.
Right in front of the garage. Cheeky gits.

Now obviously being 'in front of' the garage is not technically the same as 'in the garage'. So mini domestic ensued.
The clever cookies missed not only the lead, antenna and jack for said radio, but also the GPS and an iPod in the glove box.
So needless to say I'm counting myself lucky.

So we call the cops to report it, and 15 mins later Deputy Sherrif Richardson appears (not much crime in Moss Beach obviously). It's only when he's gone and I read 'Deputy Sherrif' on his business card ( the uniformed cops give out business cards - is that the norm in Britain as well?) that I find any humour in the situation.

However, nice autoglass type man was out within 4 hours to fix it at the front door. Gus perched on his camp chair in the garage to supervise the entire process - I think the man was ever so slightly intimidated in a wierd way.

And when we called to have the radio subscription cancelled and disconnected (or whatever it is they do to satelite radios) they informed us they'd send a new one free because we'd had it less than 30 days. So I'll be able to continue to listen to Radio One every day like the sad expat I've become.

I loooove the American service culture.

It was totally scorching here today. That's the jackets hung up for another 11 months again then.

Nose lump is fluctuating nicely. Visited a Doctor at last today, so doing antibiotics - of course. Ali asked her opinion on whether it may be an insect nesting up there. Dr kindly said unlikely. I felt it was a viable suggestion all considered.

My nose

Now, second only to my buddah belly, this part of my anatomy has been my main area of body anxiety over the years. (Now that I'm pseudo American my backside is vying for 2nd position, but that's another story.) I've now developed a lump behind my nose which by anyone's standards is odd. What is it about getting older that you started getting random lumps everywhere? Is it a build up of chocolate chips or what?? Is it just me maybe?

Anyway this lump then became annoying and now is distinctly worrying. I have to confess though, that it's worrying only because I made the mistake of trying to self-diagnose on the internet. BIG mistake. I started out with the potential of a blocked or infected sinus and the niggling doubt of maybe a cyst or an abscess. Oh Lordy Lordy how wrong was I. After scanning the list of symptoms which ranged from 'nose lump with partial blindness' to the gem 'nose lump and sore ankle', I discovered that I have a) acne on the inside of my nose b) a parasite sack up my nostril or c) nose cancer. Since I have not plukes anywhere else I'm ruling out a). I downright refuse to entertain for one moment the HammerHouse-esque scenario of b). So that just leaves the cancer. I may well be worried enough to actually visit a doctor now, I am at least appropriately concerned.

The man-of-steel of the house, has just kindly pointed out that cancer probably doesn't go away overnight and gradually swell up again across the day, giving me enough peace of mind to at least sleep tonight. But then he did spend 15 minutes at dinner time today explaining to the kids that he never gets sick because he eats lots of onions. Why I'm believing him I don't know!

Let's try again..

So I've been a bad little blogger. Truth is, I forgot my login, then when I worked it all out I couldn't work out how to create a new post. So in typical patient person stylee, I just gave up and started from scratch. Apologies to those of you who obviously religiously track my activity. But at least this way I get to leave behind your rude size-ist comments and start afresh. You know who you are.

So what have we been up to?
Christmas was fun, weirdly calm and sunny. But good.

New years was also good, went to some friends, stashed the gazillion kids in a room full of toys and videos and gathered around the 900" plasma to ring in New Years, 3 times. (East Coast, Central and PST) very American. Unusually I wasn't the drunky, drink spilling member of the family. I drove home and got to be all smug and chipper on New Years Day, when other usually smug folk were lying in bed feeling very ill. Best quote of 2007 so far, "Whaaaat? They're only martini's. Martinis are p**s weak.
Speaking as one who has fallen foul of the home mixed martini,on more than one occassion, I silently acknowledged that sage words of wisdom are wasted on Martini swilling drunks. Wisdom is best served cold with an aspirin and a glass of OJ in these circumstances.